winderlust | i tried to think of a wind pun for this title

You what?!

[Didn't want to frighten him? That sounds like something Rean would say, yeah. The problem is, it doesn't sound like something a demon would say. Demons aren't nice. Most of them aren't even intelligent, and the ones who are are manipulative and monstrous. A demon who tries to talk to you is just trying to kill you more sneakily, or so Gaius has been taught, and it's that assumption he's acted on for several years now.

He can't believe otherwise. Throw out that "fact" and a lot of other things will stop making sense. It would be suicide to deactivate his power and sit down, so Gaius is just standing there, backing up slowly, holy light still swirling around him.

Rean looks... well. Like a demon. But his posture, his voice, the look on his face are all so human. So genuine. Gaius ought to be trying to kill him, but he can't bring himself to -- he's telling himself it's just that he knows he's not strong enough right now to fight a demon as strong as Rean clearly is. It's not weakness. So why does he feel so deeply disturbed?]

I don't understand. Why have you been taking care of me all this time?

[Demons just don't do things like that. Especially demons who know they're being hunted.]

[It's strange to realize how unused to being looked at like this he is. He really has been living by this village too long, he's no longer accustomed to being stared at with eyes that accuse him of being a monster. Still, he's too old for the ache to be anything more than dull.

If he were younger and less tired he'd do something kind, like pretend he WAS a monster, now that Gaius has seen. If he still had the energy, he'd let this man keep the ideas that make his world make sense. But he's so old, and so weary. He feels bad about it, but he doesn't have it in him to act the part that's expected just to spare a perfectly nice church boy a crisis.

He crouches, instead, picking up his sunglasses and putting them on again. It does nothing for the rest, but his eyes are the most inhuman part, the part that can't be explained away as bad tattoos or bad hair. It won't work to conceal what he is, but maybe hiding his eyes will help soothe Gaius a little on an instinctive level, who knows.]

Because it was the right thing to do.

[He says it... Tiredly. There's ancient weariness there, as he rises to his feet again.]

And concealing myself from you was also the right thing. You can't fight me right now Gaius. You still can barely walk, that fire takes from your own life force, please don't make me knock you out to extinguish it, you can't afford to be making yourself worse right now.

I told you before, I mean you no harm. When you're healed enough I'll leave this place. I only ask you ensure the church sends a priest to protect it full time. These mountains are remote, they don't have time to wait for help if something comes up.

Demons don't do "the right thing".

[There's a venom in that statement born of a lifetime of indoctrination and years of violence. If a demon can be kind, genuine, then Gaius is a murderer of the worst kind. It's not a change in perspective he wants to experience.

So he has to be angry, and suspicious. Otherwise his entire reality will fracture.]

What are you really planning? What have you done to that village?

[Because a demon wouldn't get along with people. A demon wouldn't really abandon its home and its prey so easily. A demon wouldn't really care about Gaius' hurting himself with his power, so clearly if he turns it off Rean will just eat him or something. Except that doesn't seem like Rean at all.]

[It's expected but it still hurts. It's a normal reaction to him. It's the reaction any good, goddess serving priest should have. It makes him tired. He doesn't want to argue with it. If he thought Gaius could survive without help he'd leave right now, and maybe he should, just send a villager to keep Gaius alive and retreat further into isolation in the mountains, far from where people ever go.

He picks up the chair he knocked over, sits down. Frankly Gaius isn't a threat, so he's not going to treat him like one. Maybe Gaius will give up on the holy fire thing if he continues to ignore it. He really doesn't want to have to do anything aggressive right now.]

If I were a few hundred years younger I'd play to your preconceptions just for your benefit. So, for the fact that i have no intention of doing so, I really am sorry.

You really do seem like a good person who wants to save the world. For your own sake would you consider not asking more questions? Just assume whatever fits your world view. It'll be simpler for you in the long run.

I--

[It's weird, listening to someone apologize for not being evil. It's jarring, and so is being told to believe what he wants. As if Rean doesn't care if Gaius is wrong -- No. It's that Rean is being considerate of him to that extent. And it's the idea that Gaius would, or should, be content with a lie if it's "simpler", that makes him realize he can't deny what's in front of him.

No matter what the truth is, clinging to a hate-filled delusion just because it's easy is wrong. Objectively. If Gaius did that he wouldn't be able to face himself ever again. Unfortunately accepting this new reality also means he can't face himself.

Rean looks so tired. He's been so kind all this time, so gentle and selfless, and if he really intends to disappear that's even moreso. Gaius couldn't honestly say that Rean is a bad person, let alone an emotionless beast.

Gaius stares down at his hands, bloody memories bubbling up unbidden into his mind. He's killed so many. He's ignored pleas, slaughtered children, all the while completely convinced he was doing the right thing. That they were monsters lying to steal human lives and souls. He didn't know. He didn't want to know. But now he does, and suddenly all those memories are cast in a completely different light.

His power fades out, as Gaius sits, heavily, back in his abandoned chair. He feels dirty. Bloodsoaked. But it's not Rean's fault. Gaius is the one who'd closed his heart all this time.]

...I can't just do that.

[Assume things, when he knows it's wrong. He's wrong. He's always been.]

[He already feels bad. He should have acted the part, it wouldn't kill him to find the energy to play the villain one more time. But he really isn't sure, even with guilt weighing on him as he watches Gaius, that he could have found the energy. So now they're both sad and distressed on the porch while the sun shines merrily and little birds twitter in the trees.]

I'm really sorry.

[What else can he do but apologize again? He's silent after that, watching Gaius and not sure what to say. He never wanted to give the man a crisis of belief, he likes him, misguided as the church doctrine may be, he does believe they ultimately help more than hurt.]

Are you okay?

No.

[At least he's honest. Not that he could hide his feelings if he wanted to. They're overwhelming. He wants to cry. But he won't, because it's his job to have conviction, and because it feels like self-pity would be insulting to those he killed who didn't deserve it.

He's going over every mission in his mind now, wondering in which he was a hero, and in which a monster.]

Please don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I shouldn't have attacked you.

[He feels he should apologize, most likely repeatedly. Gaius is so young, it must hurt. He's watching the man, trying to figure out what to say, what might help. His gaze is intense but at least the sunglasses conceal the intensity of it.]

I can't say for sure what you're thinking, but I think I have an idea, and you're not.

[He takes a deep breath before he continues, as much conviction in his voice as gentleness.]

You're not a bad person, not a monster. It takes a special kind of person to dedicate themselves to the church, to helping others even at constant risk to their own life. I can't be the one to absolve you or forgive you for mistakes made from ignorance, but I'm certain you've done a lot more good than harm.

Whatever you have to come to terms with... I can't say it's not important that you do, that there's any easy way to reconcile it, or that you shouldn't reflect on things, but I don't think you should dismiss that you've been trying to help people, even if your view was limited. Just now even, you were more concerned with what I could have done to the villagers, people who hurt you, than with your own safety.

[Rean's not wrong. Gaius really has just wanted to help. He's fought to protect people, and more often than not he needed to. But it doesn't make the mistakes go away -- not that Rean's trying to dismiss them. Rean's so reasonable, it's unfair. Gaius can't believe he was trying to hunt down such a good person. That he would have killed him without regret, if the villagers hadn't tried to knock him off first.]

...I'd have killed you.

[Rean's clearly strong but Gaius could, probably, kill him, if he were in top condition. And that's frightening in retrospect.]

They only hurt me to protect someone they care about. I was just doing what I was told.

[So he's the one in the wrong. If he was really as good a person as he thought, he'd have been willing to listen to the villagers he was supposed to be helping.]

You shouldn't have saved me.

[Not because Gaius wishes he'd died. Not at all. He has a lot to live for, perhaps even more now that he realises he has a lot to make up for. It's just that it feels shameful, to have been so carefully tended by the person he was hunting like some kind of animal.]

[If Gaius were in peak condition (with a domination boosted S-Craft) he probably could cause Rean real problems, maybe even kill him, though he'd have to corner him into seriously fighting instead of running, first. But that doesn't really bother Rean. He's been hunted before, he knows what he is, and that humans are only trying to protect themselves and those they love, ultimately. It's never personal.]

Even if you still wanted to kill me right now, I'm not going to regret saving you. It's my fault you were hurt in the first place. They shouldn't have felt like they had to protect me.

[He scratches his cheek, watching Gaius with continued worry. This is a lot for someone to handle, probably. Rean's old, he's had a long time to come to terms with the world not being so simple, with being what he is and what humanity views him as while not really feeling like he's that different, either.]

Anyway, it would have been a waste, the world doesn't have that many people willing to dedicate their lives to saving others that is can afford to lose one for no reason.

[He offers a small smile, he really is trying to cheer Gaius up. He can't imagine the things Gaius might have done believing in his church's doctrine, that nothing was complicated about his actions, and he doesn't think ignorance excuses anything, but intentions matter too. He almost wishes for everyone's sakes that it was that simple, demons bad, humans good, it would make the world that much less painful.]

[Gaius lifts his head to look at Rean, with an expression of blank confusion. He just can't understand being that kind, when you've been treated like a blight for so long. Gaius is an optimistic guy but he's not sure even he could be that relaxed about it, in Rean's position.

He feels so stupid. But he also knows that he can't leave here and just keep doing what he was doing. A change in perspective has to result in a change in actions. Thinking about that adds another layer of discomfort, though. Gaius feels a little nauseous, overwhelmed with the guilt and the uncertainty of what lies ahead. He's never heard of an exorcist going rogue. He doesn't really want to change his lifestyle, either. But still...]

You know I can't go back to the church now.

[He wouldn't be believed. The people he's come to see as friends would think him corrupted, perhaps even label him a heretic, and Gaius knows they'd do it with the same well-meaning cruelty he's acted with himself. He can't change doctrine. But he can't leave it alone, and he can't stop protecting humans, either. He's not the kind of person who can see a great wrong and not want to right it, and he can't sit by knowing there are people he could save.]

Yeah. That's why I was apologizing.

[He sighs. It's his fault Gaius was shot and, ultimately, his fault Gaius is going to have a lot of hard choices in life from now on. It's cruel, in a way. But he can't say it's any more cruel than letting Gaius live a delusion, just cruel to different people.]

I know you're not asking for it or anything but I'm going to give you my advice anyway; trying to go it alone is just going to get you killed somehow or other. The church isn't going to just change if you talk to them.

You could stay in this village, as the local priest, you could change careers, or... I don't know what. But I do think you should consider carefully what you want to do now, and try not to throw your life away on anything too heroic and well-meaning. There's a lot you can do to help people without being part of the church.

[He pulls absently at the tattered remains of his hoodie.]

Well, I can't act like I'm not responsible either, it's because of me your life is going to change.

Maybe so.

[It is in fact because of Rean, but that doesn't make it Rean's fault. Gaius being clueless is his own damned fault, when he's had plenty of clues that make sense now. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but he really should have been wiser.

He leans back in his chair, dragging his hands down his face and trying to breathe steadily. What on earth is he going to do?]

If I were just another priest, I could stay. But with this power...

[There's only a handful of people like him in the church, and none he knows of outside of it. He wonders, though, if anyone has ever actually said no to becoming an exorcist, once their power has manifested. What happens then? What will they do if he quits?]

I don't know if I'm allowed to leave or not. I never thought to ask.

[The church has always seemed kind, but there's blind spots in his view of it that are just now becoming apparent. The problem is, any dark answer he may come across he can be sure is a policy made with good intentions. With belief in doing the right thing. So if he crosses lines, he can be sure anyone who comes after him will be doing so with honest conviction.]

[He doesn't have answers for Gaius. It's a shame, because he feels at his age he should at least have a few. But he looks at the man and then at his own hands. He feels. .. compelled by Gaius. By his struggle and his conviction and his well meaning.

He reaches out to gently ruffle Gaius's hair, a more genuinely casual and friendly gesture than he's offered before, despite otherwise intimately taking care of the man.]

You have some time to think about it. You're in no shape to go anywhere just yet.

[--What the heck was that? Somehow a head ruffle is even more embarrassing than all the awkward medical manhandling -- because that was medicine for one, and not the first time Gaius has been badly injured for another. This is just... friendly. Friendly, nothing more, and Rean is a demon so why does it make Gaius blush?

His emotions are so out of control right now he doesn't even know what to do with himself.]

Ah... That's true enough...

...Hey, Rean?

[Perhaps he overstepped a boundary. Even if Gaius is no longer willing to kill him he's still something Gaius has been taught to hunt and view as a monster, casual hair-ruffles might not be welcome right after he ruins the man's world view.

He drops his hand and tries not to look apologetic. It won't help to apologize too much, either.]

Yes?

You don't need to leave. Those people are willing to kill or die for you, you know.

[No one should have to leave that kind of love and loyalty behind. Gaius doesn't know how personally close Rean is with the villagers, but they clearly adore him, and they're the ones Gaius was supposed to help. Chasing Rean off would be the complete opposite of what he came here for -- the spirit of it anyway, if not the text.]

[Not the response he expected, and he stares at Gaius in... surprise. Shock, more accurately. It's true though, if Gaius claims Rean is dead or moved on that solves having to leave for a while, a few more decades maybe, until another priest comes.]

That's the last thing they should be willing to do for me though.

[He sighs, but it's fond in an exasperated, worried way.]

But... Thank you.

[This has been the longest he's had a place that one might call a home in a long time, it was a painful thought to leave. And yet he has a feeling he might be leaving for a while anyway, a vague sense of premonition.]

You could still stay here. Say your wounds are too bad and retire. I know you didn't get a great first impression of them, but the villagers here are really good people.

I'm not going to run away from the world.

[That's what it'd be, he thinks, staying here. Oh, he probably could, if he tried hard enough, but he doesn't want to. There are people out there who need him -- more, maybe, than he'd thought. Gaius isn't coward enough to lie to get out of facing it.]

I'll cover for you, but there are too many things I have to do.

I somehow thought you'd say that.

[Which means Rean... Has to make a choice of his own, at some point.]

Haha. I'm not exactly hard to read, am I?

[He's not. Gaius is a really straight-forward person. That honesty makes all this brand-new uncertainty hurt worse, but at the same time it makes it easier to deal with. He doesn't know what he'll do just yet, but he knows he has to do something, and that's better than wallowing in regret.]

You've got the kind of honest personality that's going to get you in a lot of trouble in life.

[Especially now, when his straight-forward world view has been shattered.]

I'm sure I'll be fine.

[Somehow. Even if being true to the beliefs that really matter might mean making himself a lot of enemies. If he wants to stand up for what's right, if Rean's not some stunning exception, then Gaius might have to become a man apart, straddling the line between two very different worlds and two very different sets of people.

That's okay, though. He's not worried about fitting in.]

The winds may change, but I'll weather whatever they bring.

That's very admirable. And it also sounds pretty lonely.

[He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, might as well. He can always come back here, the weight of Gaius's life is on his hands for a lot of reasons, he shouldn't shirk that responsibility just because he's old and tired. And anyway, he likes Gaius. He's definitely not so attached it'll be a problem or anything, he definitely won't get that attached. It's just... Watching over someone who needs it.]

Mind if I join you?

--Join me?

[Please Rean stop startling him he's going to have a heart attack and he's only 20.]

Why?

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