winderlust | i tried to think of a wind pun for this title

[Rean's not wrong. Gaius really has just wanted to help. He's fought to protect people, and more often than not he needed to. But it doesn't make the mistakes go away -- not that Rean's trying to dismiss them. Rean's so reasonable, it's unfair. Gaius can't believe he was trying to hunt down such a good person. That he would have killed him without regret, if the villagers hadn't tried to knock him off first.]

...I'd have killed you.

[Rean's clearly strong but Gaius could, probably, kill him, if he were in top condition. And that's frightening in retrospect.]

They only hurt me to protect someone they care about. I was just doing what I was told.

[So he's the one in the wrong. If he was really as good a person as he thought, he'd have been willing to listen to the villagers he was supposed to be helping.]

You shouldn't have saved me.

[Not because Gaius wishes he'd died. Not at all. He has a lot to live for, perhaps even more now that he realises he has a lot to make up for. It's just that it feels shameful, to have been so carefully tended by the person he was hunting like some kind of animal.]

[If Gaius were in peak condition (with a domination boosted S-Craft) he probably could cause Rean real problems, maybe even kill him, though he'd have to corner him into seriously fighting instead of running, first. But that doesn't really bother Rean. He's been hunted before, he knows what he is, and that humans are only trying to protect themselves and those they love, ultimately. It's never personal.]

Even if you still wanted to kill me right now, I'm not going to regret saving you. It's my fault you were hurt in the first place. They shouldn't have felt like they had to protect me.

[He scratches his cheek, watching Gaius with continued worry. This is a lot for someone to handle, probably. Rean's old, he's had a long time to come to terms with the world not being so simple, with being what he is and what humanity views him as while not really feeling like he's that different, either.]

Anyway, it would have been a waste, the world doesn't have that many people willing to dedicate their lives to saving others that is can afford to lose one for no reason.

[He offers a small smile, he really is trying to cheer Gaius up. He can't imagine the things Gaius might have done believing in his church's doctrine, that nothing was complicated about his actions, and he doesn't think ignorance excuses anything, but intentions matter too. He almost wishes for everyone's sakes that it was that simple, demons bad, humans good, it would make the world that much less painful.]

[Gaius lifts his head to look at Rean, with an expression of blank confusion. He just can't understand being that kind, when you've been treated like a blight for so long. Gaius is an optimistic guy but he's not sure even he could be that relaxed about it, in Rean's position.

He feels so stupid. But he also knows that he can't leave here and just keep doing what he was doing. A change in perspective has to result in a change in actions. Thinking about that adds another layer of discomfort, though. Gaius feels a little nauseous, overwhelmed with the guilt and the uncertainty of what lies ahead. He's never heard of an exorcist going rogue. He doesn't really want to change his lifestyle, either. But still...]

You know I can't go back to the church now.

[He wouldn't be believed. The people he's come to see as friends would think him corrupted, perhaps even label him a heretic, and Gaius knows they'd do it with the same well-meaning cruelty he's acted with himself. He can't change doctrine. But he can't leave it alone, and he can't stop protecting humans, either. He's not the kind of person who can see a great wrong and not want to right it, and he can't sit by knowing there are people he could save.]

Yeah. That's why I was apologizing.

[He sighs. It's his fault Gaius was shot and, ultimately, his fault Gaius is going to have a lot of hard choices in life from now on. It's cruel, in a way. But he can't say it's any more cruel than letting Gaius live a delusion, just cruel to different people.]

I know you're not asking for it or anything but I'm going to give you my advice anyway; trying to go it alone is just going to get you killed somehow or other. The church isn't going to just change if you talk to them.

You could stay in this village, as the local priest, you could change careers, or... I don't know what. But I do think you should consider carefully what you want to do now, and try not to throw your life away on anything too heroic and well-meaning. There's a lot you can do to help people without being part of the church.

[He pulls absently at the tattered remains of his hoodie.]

Well, I can't act like I'm not responsible either, it's because of me your life is going to change.

Maybe so.

[It is in fact because of Rean, but that doesn't make it Rean's fault. Gaius being clueless is his own damned fault, when he's had plenty of clues that make sense now. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but he really should have been wiser.

He leans back in his chair, dragging his hands down his face and trying to breathe steadily. What on earth is he going to do?]

If I were just another priest, I could stay. But with this power...

[There's only a handful of people like him in the church, and none he knows of outside of it. He wonders, though, if anyone has ever actually said no to becoming an exorcist, once their power has manifested. What happens then? What will they do if he quits?]

I don't know if I'm allowed to leave or not. I never thought to ask.

[The church has always seemed kind, but there's blind spots in his view of it that are just now becoming apparent. The problem is, any dark answer he may come across he can be sure is a policy made with good intentions. With belief in doing the right thing. So if he crosses lines, he can be sure anyone who comes after him will be doing so with honest conviction.]

[He doesn't have answers for Gaius. It's a shame, because he feels at his age he should at least have a few. But he looks at the man and then at his own hands. He feels. .. compelled by Gaius. By his struggle and his conviction and his well meaning.

He reaches out to gently ruffle Gaius's hair, a more genuinely casual and friendly gesture than he's offered before, despite otherwise intimately taking care of the man.]

You have some time to think about it. You're in no shape to go anywhere just yet.

[--What the heck was that? Somehow a head ruffle is even more embarrassing than all the awkward medical manhandling -- because that was medicine for one, and not the first time Gaius has been badly injured for another. This is just... friendly. Friendly, nothing more, and Rean is a demon so why does it make Gaius blush?

His emotions are so out of control right now he doesn't even know what to do with himself.]

Ah... That's true enough...

...Hey, Rean?

[Perhaps he overstepped a boundary. Even if Gaius is no longer willing to kill him he's still something Gaius has been taught to hunt and view as a monster, casual hair-ruffles might not be welcome right after he ruins the man's world view.

He drops his hand and tries not to look apologetic. It won't help to apologize too much, either.]

Yes?

You don't need to leave. Those people are willing to kill or die for you, you know.

[No one should have to leave that kind of love and loyalty behind. Gaius doesn't know how personally close Rean is with the villagers, but they clearly adore him, and they're the ones Gaius was supposed to help. Chasing Rean off would be the complete opposite of what he came here for -- the spirit of it anyway, if not the text.]

[Not the response he expected, and he stares at Gaius in... surprise. Shock, more accurately. It's true though, if Gaius claims Rean is dead or moved on that solves having to leave for a while, a few more decades maybe, until another priest comes.]

That's the last thing they should be willing to do for me though.

[He sighs, but it's fond in an exasperated, worried way.]

But... Thank you.

[This has been the longest he's had a place that one might call a home in a long time, it was a painful thought to leave. And yet he has a feeling he might be leaving for a while anyway, a vague sense of premonition.]

You could still stay here. Say your wounds are too bad and retire. I know you didn't get a great first impression of them, but the villagers here are really good people.

I'm not going to run away from the world.

[That's what it'd be, he thinks, staying here. Oh, he probably could, if he tried hard enough, but he doesn't want to. There are people out there who need him -- more, maybe, than he'd thought. Gaius isn't coward enough to lie to get out of facing it.]

I'll cover for you, but there are too many things I have to do.

I somehow thought you'd say that.

[Which means Rean... Has to make a choice of his own, at some point.]

Haha. I'm not exactly hard to read, am I?

[He's not. Gaius is a really straight-forward person. That honesty makes all this brand-new uncertainty hurt worse, but at the same time it makes it easier to deal with. He doesn't know what he'll do just yet, but he knows he has to do something, and that's better than wallowing in regret.]

You've got the kind of honest personality that's going to get you in a lot of trouble in life.

[Especially now, when his straight-forward world view has been shattered.]

I'm sure I'll be fine.

[Somehow. Even if being true to the beliefs that really matter might mean making himself a lot of enemies. If he wants to stand up for what's right, if Rean's not some stunning exception, then Gaius might have to become a man apart, straddling the line between two very different worlds and two very different sets of people.

That's okay, though. He's not worried about fitting in.]

The winds may change, but I'll weather whatever they bring.

That's very admirable. And it also sounds pretty lonely.

[He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, might as well. He can always come back here, the weight of Gaius's life is on his hands for a lot of reasons, he shouldn't shirk that responsibility just because he's old and tired. And anyway, he likes Gaius. He's definitely not so attached it'll be a problem or anything, he definitely won't get that attached. It's just... Watching over someone who needs it.]

Mind if I join you?

--Join me?

[Please Rean stop startling him he's going to have a heart attack and he's only 20.]

Why?

[You're a big strong man Gaius you can take it.]

Mm... I guess, because I feel responsible for your life changing so drastically, and because I know it can be pretty lonely, facing the world when your whole idea of it's changed, and the people you love might not be able to accept you anymore, simply because of what you are and what you know.

It'd bother me if I was just wondering how you were doing without doing anything myself.

You just thanked me for helping you stay here.

[Rean?? That's just so... so sappy. Gaius is a little flustered, dealing with someone who's so earnest and open and kind. Rean has been kind all this time, but now that they're actually talking it's just another level. How could anyone think of him as a monster?]

I can always come back.

[Wandering for a few decades or whatever won't make the village go away. They'll get older, some will die, others will be born, and he might miss them a bit (he'll miss them so much more than he suspects), but that happens with time, it marches forward. Horribly, inevitably.]

You might request a priest check on them regularly, though.

[While he's gone. And if he comes back to a priest being a normal feature, he'll work around it, or find a new place. Nothing stays the same forever.]

I would. But I don't think--

[He has to stop. Ask himself why he's bothered by the idea and what his objection really is. Does he want to go alone because Rean's a demon, or because he wants Rean to be able to stay here, or just because he doesn't want to drag another person into his own reckless decisions?

Maybe a little of all of it, actually.]

You aren't responsible for anything I decide to do. I'd appreciate having a friend, but I don't want you to give up your home for my sake.

You're giving up a lot more, for people you've never met.

[It's a calm statement, but pointed. Gaius is choosing a really tough road to walk.]

That's my job.

[He'll still think of it as his job even if he gets excommunicated or something. But Rean... what did Rean do to deserve being dragged into it?

And yet Gaius really would be grateful to have a friend. He has a feeling he's going to be losing a lot of the ones he has now, very soon, and while he's a well-adjusted person, he's far from immune to sadness, loneliness, and doubt. He sighs, rubbing his cheek with one hand.]

But alright. If that's what you really want to do, it's not for me to tell you no.

Mm. Glad to hear it.

[He stands, tugging the last of his tattered hoodie off.]

I'm going to get a new shirt.

[Mostly so he can cover the marks he's sure must still bother Gaius, but also just to give Gaius some time alone so he can process this.]

Oh, right--

[Yeah a new shirt because Gaius is rude. Oops.]

You're not injured, are you?

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