winderlust | i tried to think of a wind pun for this title

[He knows what it's like to be scared in a foreign environment. It happened when he moved to the palace and more recently he was reminded of how nerve-wracking it can be when he was in Gaius's camp. But he's not someone who is terribly good at reassurance and he barely knows Gaius, so rather than awkwardly trying to cheer him up he lets the silence and the mundane chore stretch between them until Gaius says something.]

I like horses.

[They may be complicated in a way, but they're straight forward and easy for Jusis to deal with. Not like people.]

Not many nobles tend to their own like this, but it's not entirely weird to see a few that do, so no one is going to bother you if you come here.

[He's trying in his own way to reassure Gaius that he can come hug his horse any time.]

That's good to know.

[I hope you're ready for the horsefucking rumours Jusis cause this horse is gonna get way more hugs from your husband than you.]

I think he's settled for now. If you don't mind I'll take you up on that tour.

[He's not remotely thinking about how he'll be perceived running around the palace in his native clothing covered in road dust and smelling of horse.]

[It's fine, he'll just rage duel the first person he hears calling Gaius a horsefucker. At least that way the gossip will die around his earshot.

But he is a little more aware of how Gaius is going to look, and while he personally thinks Gaius looks lovely and rugged, he sighs.]

Before that I'll show you to your room. You can take a bath and get changed so you're comfortable, then I'll show you around.

[He looks at the horse, not Gaius, debating what to add hee. He needs to start explaining things, probably, so Gaius starts understanding. Things he wishes someone had explained to him.]

This place... Isn't like what you're used to. I know that seems obvious but hear me out. Your people are warm and sincere, kind. I'm not saying there aren't people like that here, there are plenty. But a lot of people aren't like that, too. They might smile in your face while saying something nasty, or pretend to be your friend because you're joining the royal family but have no real interest in you beyond using you.

Appearance means a lot, here. Acting proper, looking proper, saying the proper things. But the proper things can be cruel. Twisting words around for weapons is normal here, and nothing is above the criticism of bored or jealous aristocracy.

I'll stay with you as much as I can, I'll introduce you to people I think are good, but you're going to be a target of a lot of rumors, and you can't react or they're going to call you even worse things.

[He still isn't looking at Gaius, staring a hole into the horse hide in front of him.]

So... I'm sorry. It's not going to be easy, and I know it's already not easy.

[Gaius' impulse is to react to Jusis concern with dismissal. He's got pride, but he's not vain. Why does it matter what people say if it isn't true?

But he stops himself, because it may not have mattered at home, but here it does. Anything he does as a member of the royal family is a reflection on his homeland -- and on Jusis. So he can't just act like normal, and he can't ignore the consequences of honesty.

He doesn't yet understand how he should act, though. His coaching has given him a place to start, but he's got years of etiquette tutoring to catch up on.

He frowns, but doesn't argue anything Jusis has said. It's all true, after all.]

Thank you for your concern. I'll try not to embarrass you.

[That's said with complete sincerity. He's not being sarcastic, he's not criticising Jusis. He's just really, honestly, worried about it.]

[That hurts, actually, because it's not what he's concerned about at all, and his fists clench briefly.]

Don't--I'm not worried about that. [He almost snaps it, teeth gritted.]

It's common knowledge so someone will let it slip soon enough, but I'm the bastard son, my mother was common born. Nothing you can do can drag my name in the mud because I was already born there as far as half the nobility is concerned. Anyway, if you're anything like the honorable person I took you for a few weeks ago, you're ten times as noble as some of those snakes.

I just... I don't want them to have any more openings to dig at you than necessary. They'll make up plenty on their own without any help. I know you don't want to be here, I don't want it to be worse for you than it has to. You don't have to be concerned about me.

[But maybe he was wrong to try and explain what court is like, if Gaius thinks he's worried about being made to look bad, as if Gaius could be the problem. He's frustrated at his own inability to communicate, at maybe making Gaius feel even more pressured, so he just turns on his heel without looking at him.]

I'll show you to your rooms.

[Wow what complicated feelings. The feedback from Jusis is distressing all on its own, but Gaius has plenty of conflicted emotions as well.

First among them is, of course, homesickness, but concern for Jusis is not a tiny part. He has a feeling they're failing to connect here. Gaius hasn't the slightest idea what he's going to do about his new life but he is sure he doesn't want to make vows to someone he can't even talk to.

So instead of meekly following along, he reaches out and grabs Jusis by the wrist to stop him.]

Wait-- Jusis.

[He was going to say something but he's momentarily distracted by the way the bond between them sings at the touch. It's like he didn't realise how parched he was until he got a drink.]

I... Just wait. I don't want you to run from me.

[He does stop in his tracks, because that touch is weirdly intense. But it's not the only reason. It's not like he wants to be bad at communicating with Gaius. It's just difficult in general to know what to feel or how to react let alone put things in words.

He gives the hand on his wrist a really long stare before he realizes he should pull away, which he does, heart pounding but eyes back on Gaius's face.]

I don't intend to run from you.

[Was he running? He has no idea. He's trying to help but maybe he's making it worse.]

I'm not.. Good at hospitality. But I don't want to use that as an excuse. I don't want you to feel abandoned in enemy territory, but I also don't want you to let your guard down here thinking it's anywhere as nice as your home.

[It'll be better when they leave court to go to the lands Jusis is going to govern from now on, but they have to survive the turnout of nobility for a royal wedding, before that.]

Edited 2018-05-28 14:28 (UTC)

[He's kind of missing Jusis' hand already.

This is really going to be a messy event.]

I know it's going to be rough. In all honesty, I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. But this isn't enemy territory. It's where I need to be right now.

I'm definitely going to make mistakes, and I'm going to care if they hurt you. Not because you're important, or because it's my duty, but because I like you. I still want to get to know you. It doesn't have to be all bad, does it?

[What's he supposed to say? He likes Gaius, genuinely, and through this weird bond. Gaius also attacked his brother, despite Jusis helping him get to said brother, but Gaius warned Jusis that might happen, so he was honest at least. It's just. Complicated. He can't really let that go and he can't reasonably resent it either, since he understands the reasons and Gaius was honest with him, yet it's still not something he can easily forgive even if the attempt was a failure. If Gaius had succeeded... They wouldn't be here now, but even if they were he'd never be able to forgive him. As it is, it's impossible to hate Gaius, difficult to forgive him, impossible not to want to make this experience better for Gaius than it was for Jusis, and hard to resist wanting to at least be his friend.

But Jusis doesn't trust easily and he's awkward at the best of times, let alone ones as complicated as arranged marriages to the guy you're fated to be with who actually happens to be a genuinely good, honest, kind, honorable man.

Jusis knows he needs to let the whole trying to stab Rufus thing go, but Rufus means so much to him it's difficult to.]

Of course not. I'll help in whatever way I can.

[He already intended to do his best to be helpful, even if his attempts so far just seem to have stressed them both out more.]

If I can in any way repay the kindness your people showed me, I will do my best. More than that... You deserve to be treated well. I wish I could guarantee that you will be, but I will do my utmost to make sure you do not feel unwelcome.

[If nothing else that is his duty, and he might not be able to control the nobles but if he can stay by Gaius until this whole mess calms down he can mitigate the negatives and steer Gaius towards those nobles he might really get along with.]

So please try not to worry if you're embarrassing me, being yourself could never be anything but honorable, and therefore, could never be shameful. Forget anything I said before, I can think of no more honorable person for you to be than just being yourself.

[He should have said this from the start instead of fussing about Gaius making a good impression. If Gaius makes a bad impression than Jusis will deal with that, nothing about Gaius is anything Gaius should ever be made to feel ashamed of. Even if Jusis himself is still upset at Gaius, he doesn't want Gaius to feel like he has anything to be ashamed of, he wants Gaius to at least be able to have complete pride in himself, like he does at home.]

...I appreciate your thinking so.

[He really does. Being so different is definitely a weight on his confidence, but Jusis saying all that helps. A lot.]

Still, it's not just about me. You're being forced into this too. At the very least, I want you to know you can rely on me. And that I promise I'll put you first from here on out. That is my duty, but it's also what I want to do. And... I wanted to be able to tell you that before I go reading a script about your royal radiance.

If you say anything about my radiance, royal or otherwise, I'll gag you.

[Gaius is sweet though, and he knows the words are meant. He just doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't really do relying on others aside from Rufus, though as he's grown up he's tried not to do that either.]

...I'll try to keep it in mind.

I'll be satisfied with that, then.

[Gaius can feel the lack of bite in Jusis' protest, and in response there's warm amusement from Gaius. This is all really hard, but he just can't stop feeling attached. Attracted too, to be honest, but he's definitely attributing that to the whole soulbond thing.

He really is glad, though. That Jusis thinks well of him. That Jusis is willing to talk to him at all. He can only try to be friendly in return, and hope it eventually manages to bridge the gap that that fight put between them.]

You are pretty radiant, though. All the girls back home were singing your praises.

[Jusis just gives him a flat look. Have you looked in a mirror, my dude? honestly he's wondering a little if he's being mocked but that doesn't seem like Gaius. But Gaius calling anyone else good looking just seems like, weird. A tree calling some grass tall. Probably well meant but absolutely ridiculous. Jusis doesn't even think he's bad looking himself, it's just like comparing a little star to the sun. One may be perfectly appealing but the other is blinding.]

Mm.

[So moving on he'll just, turn to go again.]

I promised to show you around.

[Newsflash Gaius has no fuckin idea how hot he is. And he really does think Jusis is attractive. But he's not going to push it with the teasing, so he just falls into step behind Jusis.]

So you did.

[Jusis is glad because Gaius calling him hot might kill him.

In any case he shows Gaius the training grounds, the place where nobles keep their hunting hawks, the barracks, and then the kitchens and the empty great hall, dining room and throne room before pointing out the guest wings and then finally leading Gaius to the royal wing, where his suite of rooms is directly across from Jusis's. The servants are just going to be moving Gaius in with Jusis tomorrow during the wedding anyway, but Jusis doesn't say that, nor does he explain he'll sleep on the sofas in his outer rooms for both their comfort, until they can move into separate rooms again without causing rumors (or actually until they start sharing a bed but he's not anticipating such an outcome).

The royal wing is relatively quiet, but like everywhere in the palace Jusis greets the servants by name and is greeted with genuine warmth in return.]

[The people here make Gaius feel awkwardly large, but the rooms make him feel tiny. It's a weird contradiction, and at first he can't understand why anyone would want such a huge house. Eventually it occurs to him, though, that the very point of it is to make visitors feel small. It's a display of power. And it's working.

He's mostly quiet as he's shown around. There are some curious observations but overall he spends it looking around in awe, usually at the setting but sometimes at Jusis. It's clear that Jusis is loved here. Maybe not by the nobility, but by the common man, and that's a much bigger compliment in Gaius' opinion.

He must admit, he's interested. This foreign nation is as full of new sights as he'd hoped. At the very least he feels a bit more optimistic again by the time he goes to his room. However, once he's in there trying to get ready, he's thrown off again by the number of servants involved.

Getting bathed and dressed should be simple, but it turns out that's not true for royalty. Gaius is gently poked and prodded, stripped and ushered into a fancy tub full of oils and whatnot where, flustered and confused, he finds himself at the mercy of some very fierce maids. He thought he was perfectly adequate at cleaning up, but it turns out the "awful farm smell" isn't acceptably removed until he's pretty sure he's lost a layer of skin. His hair gets an equally rough treatment, ruthlessly pulling tangles out and trying to tame the wild waves.

Eventually he's clean and dressed and made to smell like roses and spice. It's weird. These clothes are too stiff. He had to rescue his hair ties from being thrown in the bin and replaced by something less traditional. He ends up standing there, looking at himself in a mirror bigger than he's ever seen and feeling especially foreign. Is he going to have to fuss this much every day here?

He hopes not. But he understands he's got to make a good first impression when he's meeting, y'know, the king. It's strange to think of someone like a king as family, and it's stranger to think so of a king who spent the last two years trying to conquer Gaius' homeland. But that's what's happening, so he spends the rest of his time til dinner running over the things he was told to say in this situation.

He took notes. This is serious study time. He has to be absolutely sure that he says nothing that could ruin this new, fragile peace. It's worth it, for his people. It's also worth it for Jusis. So he'll do his best. He is looking pretty snazzy though when he comes knocking on Jusis' door.

He doesn't think he's supposed to go find this formal dinner on his own and he doesn't actually know what time it is, so...]

[Jusis was not expecting Gaius to look so... Dazzling. So when he opens his door and stares for a solid thirty seconds it's really not his fault. Gaius looks amazing. He always looks amazing but being cleaned up and shoved in something fashionable for the kingdom is a different, new kind of amazing and Jusis has to adjust. He's used to Gaius looking stunning in his normal clothes, not in these ones. He couldn't say what he likes better, though Gaius looking more comfortable in what he wears is ultimately preferable.

He clears his throat after too long and steps back, silently inviting Gaius in after that awkward pause.]

You look nice.

[Understatement of the year. But moving on quickly.]

What is it?

[That Gaius wants from him right now, so he can stop staring and focus on something else, help him he's so gay.]

[It's a real damn shame they have an empathic connection right now because that was too much gay not to notice. It'd be pretty obvious from the staring but it's hard to think "haha it's not about that" when you can psychically sense a guy's boner.

Needless to say Gaius is embarrassed and doesn't interrupt the staring just because he's so flustered. Now he feels really conscious that he's entering Jusis' room, and really conscious of the fact that basically two entire nations are expecting them to get it on in about 24 hours. He assumed (and still does) that they're not actually going to, but now that whole thing seems a bit more complicated. He has never been the kind of guy to get nervous about dick but here he is being nervous about dicks.]

Uhm. Right, I was wondering when we're supposed to go to dinner... and if there's anything I should keep in mind.

[At least Jusis is entirely on board with the not actually getting it on with a guy he barely knows, no matter how hot, and talking about dinner certainly kills his boner anyway so Gaius can go back to getting low-key anxiety from Jusis instead of dayum if that's any consolation. He's pretty embarrasseded himself as he shows Gaius to a couch and sits across from him.]

It shouldn't be long now. A servant will summon us when the king is ready.

As for thins to keep in mind... Try not to be too insulted by my father, I suppose. He's likely to all but ignore us, and that's really for the best. He might say a few things to you but he's probably going to spend dinner talking to Rufus and leave early.

[He's trying to sound like this is a neutral thing and his own father's predictable neglect into anything to do with his life isn't a sore spot. At least he's relatively numb to it now, but having to explain "hey, don't worry so much, dad doesn't give a shit about me and therefore you" is difficult.]

I think I'd rather be ignored, honestly...

[Ignoring is good? At least for Gaius. If he's not engaged he can't fuck up. He does wish it wasn't an issue for Jusis though. He can tell he's uncomfortable just from the way he talks about it. Has talked about it, since they met. Gaius doesn't have any idea about the depths of the problem, but he's starting to get an idea, and he's not real happy about it. Still, it'll be easier for him to just keep his head down until he's got a better handle on the culture here, so he's not about to go walking up to the king and asking him why he doesn't value Jusis enough.]

Does it bother you?

[That's such a blunt question, no one has actually asked him that. He falters, not wanting to lie but not really wanting to talk about his daddy issues.]

It's nothing new. Like you said, it's probably for the best as well, this time.

Tonight should be relatively peaceful, it's tomorrow that's going to be difficult.

[Okay then it does? But again he decides not to push. He just leans back in his seat, thinking about... tomorrow. What a monumentally difficult day that's going to be.]

That's true... I was given training for it, but I don't feel all that confident.

Try not to worry. Say what they've taught you and if you mess up or feel unsure just smile, that should be good enough.

[Considering Gaius smiling could charm the clouds from the sky, Jusis doesn't think there should be any issues. The after party might be tricky but he's already got a mental list of nobles to shove Gaius towards who he should get along with, the more down to earth lords who care about their people and hunting or fishing more than court politics.]

I'll trust you to cover for me if it comes down to it.

[He can at least recite the right words, he thinks. He's rehearsed them over and over, anyway. It's the unscripted things he's most concerned about. That's tomorrow though. Tonight he just has to get through dinner.]

I will.

[It's the least he can do. And in perfect timing a servant comes knocking to inform them that dinner is about to be served. Time for Gaius to be led with Jusis down to the dining hall that is far too large for the four people about to eat in it.

When the king enters its easy to see where Rufus and Jusis get their hair and eyes, but the man is cold and distant, greeting Gaius formally and only making a remark about hoping he will remember to carry himself as is proper for a royal, before ignoring Gaius and Jusis to talk to Rufus. Rufus is more friendly, asking after Gaius's family, how his trip was, and if he has everything he needs, and wishing him luck tomorrow when dinner ends.

The meal is lavish, delicate dishes with new and interesting seasonings and sauces. But eventually it all ends and Gaius is left to retire with Jusis at his side, since they're going the same way.]

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